Sorry about that last journal - wasn't feeling myself. Feel much better now.

The theme of fixing oneself has come up....an interesting theme I think. very current in my thinking right now.

I have been exploring my mechanics lately, tinkering with things hoping they run smoother. From time to time I have broken something before rectifying the problem. But on the whole I'm moving forward and that's a great feeling.

There are scars I will carry my whole life, and a certain poison runs in my veins that I will never be rid of. From time to time it inflames, then subsides into the negative. But I am finally forgiving myself for these extremes and learning to cope with them.

I haven't had an easy life, and I'm not ashamed to admit that it has ruined me in ways that are significant. I will never have certain things in this life that every human is entitled to but that's ok - I have made peace with that fact and stopped worrying about getting what can never be recaptured. I am moving on with capturing goals that are actually possible and achievable.

I don't want to be rid of my extremes or some of my better quirks though because they make me uniquely me - both my fire and extinguishment. I am learning that I can live in contradiction, with contradiction and be contradiction. Life is full of different feelings that are all possible simultaneously.

I have stopped fighting to reconcile myself, because there is no need for it. Reconcilement into a neat little package is someone else's ideal for me - not mine. Sure some minor adjustments can be made to my gears to make things a bit steadier - but who doesn't benefit from maintenance and fine tuning?

No solutions in life are perfect and I'm learning to deal with change when before I have been resistant.

Time to put me first for once. Feels good to be mildly selfish I feel ok saying no now and not being taken advantage of or opposed upon. I am feeling less and less need to control everything and take care of everyone. I don't have to fill that role anymore. I am free....

I am trying not to hold on so hard to things that don't really matter. I am trying to trust myself and the decisions I make more. Doesn't always happen but thats ok, I'm not giving up on myself. I am trying to be more positive, healthier, with many happy friendships. I want to relate well with all people.

I want to say yes to something that seems a little scary right now, knowing that accomplishing it will make me grow as a person. I want to heal, to grow and produce fine fruitage. I want to be fulfilled in life, have meaning and be content.

And I'm well on the way, and loving it.

Who wants to come with me?